Ditching the Birds and the Bees
Raising and supporting kids is a minefield and when it comes to talking about sex we often wonder where to begin. Claire Millichamp from Side by Side Therap y offers some advice.
We want our children to be informed and safe in a number of issues and when it comes to sex, the last thing we want is to risk our kids developing a preoccupation. Fear can lead us to avoid the subject until something happens; and if we observe our children behaving in a sexualised way, we can freak out!
So where should you start?
+ Regardless of our experiences or views, we can start from the place that sex is a normal part of life and something that can be healthy and enjoyed when in a safe, respectful context.
+ Use the correct terms for genitals as this sends the message that they are normal body parts just like our fingers and our toes!
+ Be an approachable adult. Have you ever heard yourself or another adult saying, ‘I don’t know, ask your father/mother/nana’? We want our kids to come to us if they are ever struggling, so we need to role model that these topics are okay.
+ Stay Curious and Calm. Try to respond to questions or comments that come up rather than reacting.
+ Teach boundaries about respect, privacy, consent and context.
The reason to put the effort in is twofold; to enable our children and young people to experience healthy and pleasurable relationships and to give our kids and teens tools to protect themselves and know they have safe places to go with any concerns about sex. Sadly, sexual abuse and nonconsensual sexual experiences occur in New Zealand and if we want to prevent this or to help as quickly as possible, we need to be approachable adults. If we struggle to talk about genitals and sex with our children in healthy ways, we inadvertently send a message that this shouldn’t be talked about. If, in the event of something harmful happening, they have already caught on the shame attached to matters of sex, they are less likely to feel okay about talking about the harm.
‘Ditching the Birds and the Bees’ is the name I give my seminars for adults raising and supporting kids and young people. We have all heard of the term ‘the birds and the bees’. It’s a silly, ambiguous term for something normal and healthy. When we use confusing terms like this, we treat these topics as things that are not okay to talk about.
These seminars are for adults; whānau, teachers and professionals. The aim is to equip adults with the tools and confidence to have shame-free conversations about bodies, reproduction and any behaviour related to our kids’ sexual development and to know how to respond to safety concerns around sexualised behaviours.
Claire Millichamp is a Registered Social Worker. Her private practice Side by Side Therapy NZ operates in Timaru and Geraldine and provides Sensitive Claims Counselling and Play Therapy for children and teens.
Claire can travel Canterbury wide and beyond to deliver sex education seminars. Claire is also the author of Me and All of my Body, Shame-Free Body Positivity and Safety for Kids (2021) for ages 3–12 years, with the intention of teaching children about bodies and giving them tools to be safe.
